for chuckles

Subject: Little David
>
>
> Little David, who was Jewish, was failing math. His parents tried
> everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, and
> nothing helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic
> school. Those nuns are tough they said. David was soon enrolled at
> St. Mary's. After school on the very first day David ran through the
> door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello.
> He started studying furiously, books and papers spread out all over his
> room. Right after dinner he ran upstairs without mentioning TV, and hit
> the books harder than before. His parents were amazed. This behaviour
> continued for weeks, until report card day arrived. David quietly laid
the
> envelope on the table, and went to his room. With great trepidation, his
> mother opened the report. David had gotten an A in math! She ran up to
> his room, threw her arms around him and asked, David honey, how did
> this happen? Was it the nuns? No!, said David. On the first day of
> school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't
> fooling around

The Penis Study...

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see
why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one
year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was
larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published their study, France decided to do
their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they
concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure
during sex.

Newfoundland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, plus 2
cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand
from flying off and hitting him in the forehead!!!

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"





"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."



"Triple filter?"



"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.



The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"





"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and….."



"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"



"No, on the contrary." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"



The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter--the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"



"No, not really."



"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"



The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Ez mind szep es jo...............de Platorol koztudott nem a nok erdekeltek szerelem teren. Akkor, hogy is volt ez ??

QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES
Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell
happened.
CoraHarvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her
up with cookies.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my
head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother"! is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at
once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning.
-CatherineAird-
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years
before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb,
and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another
country..
-Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything
done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career.
-Gloria Steinem-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
Zsa - Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day.
Every woman I know is bright --so I am sending it to all!!!!!

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped
at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a
sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife
playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last
year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy
jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from
him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so
excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a
day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the
same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
and he should eventually make a full recovery

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I
heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner
peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I
started and hadn't finished and so before leaving the house this morning
I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle
of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some
Saltines and a box of Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel!! futyul

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

If the Bushies had been running the investigation into the sinking of the Titanic here is what the findings would have been:
1) The captain of the ship can't be held responsible because he was asleep at the time of the collision. O.K.? Forget him. He should get a medal for sleeping so soundly through all the chaos.
2) The third mate SHOULD have anticipated an iceberg and STOPPED the ship fifty miles before one came into view. He should be given a sea trial and shot.
3) The cabin steward didn't do enough because if he had JUST overloaded the lifeboats by something like three hundred percent, there wouldn't have been a single soul lost.
4) And finally and most importantly, the passengers are to blame. Those passengers that didn't have the foresight to FORCE their way onto a lifeboat are obviously to blame. The steerage passengers also share blame in that if they had had the good sense to be wealthy, they wouldn't have gotten locked below with no way out. Every "victim" of Titanic is therefore a willing participant in his/her death.

At least the captain of the Titanic GOT UP when they hit an iceberg. If Bush had been in charge, by the time he got up, showered, had breakfast and toured the upper decks, the ship's bow would have already been underwater and the stern would be in the process of breaking off.

______________________


Bush To Lead Investigation of Bush
President Bush this morning promised to lead an investigation of himself, “…because it is important.”

Bush hopes to find out why Bush flew quickly to San Diego in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, and why, while there, Bush attempted to play the guitar.

Bush also hopes to find out why Bush cut funds to levee rehabilitation in Louisiana.

Further Bush hopes to discover the reason Bush appointed a horse association boss to run FEMA and why Bush cut funds to the organization as well.

Bush will investigate the reasons for Bush’s high praise of the Dept. of Homeland Security’s and Fema’s response to the catastrophe on the Gulf Coast while thousands were left to fend for themselves for days on end.

Bush wants to know what Bush was doing at a retirment community on August 29 and just why Bush was holding a birthday cake for John McCaine that day, as well.

Bush wants to figure out just why Bush never realized a Category 4 storm could flood New Oreleans when everyone else in the country knew.

Bush will look into the reasons Bush has refused to take seriously the loss of marsh lands along the Louisiana Coast and why Bush thinks global warming is a sham.

Bush also wants to know how all those national guardsmen and women got to Iraq and what they are up to there.

Bush wants to know why Bush supports Judge Michael Chernoff and exactly why Bush appointed him head of Homeland Security to begin with.

Bush also will investiage why Bush never knew there were poor people around anyway.

Bush also intends to find out once and for all just what Bush is always smiling about.

Finally, Bush plans to discover just why the front porch of Sen. Trent Lott’s home was allowed to be destroyed.

In other words the Bush committee will get to the bottom of Bush’s bottom.

An overlooked Rove talking point: This is all the fault of the French, who picked the location of New Orleans in the first place. :rohog

Wanda Sykes on Jay Leno

Jay: "But President Bush took responsibility."

Wanda: "I don't think the President should have taken responsibility.... I don't blame the President. I blame the American people. Y'all knew the man was slow when you voted him in. You can't blame the blind man for wrecking your car when you're the one who gave him the keys."

############

Living in Canada


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.

2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.

3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.

4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

5. BC bud.

6 BC bud


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big Rock between you and B. C.

2. Ottawa who?

3. Tax is 7 per cent instead of approximately 200 per cent for the
rest of the country.

4. Flames vs. Oilers.

5. Stamps vs. Eskies.

6. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.

7. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its
own country.

8. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

1. You never run out of wheat.

2. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.

3. Your province is really easy to draw.

4. You never have to worry about car roll-back if you have a standard
transmission.

5. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house.

6. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.

7. People will assume you live on a farm.

8. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront
property.


2. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal
government.

3. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.

4. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.

5. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work.

6. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.

7. Because of your licence plate, you are still friendly even when
you someone off.

8. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the centre of the universe.

2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.

3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.

4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist. Separate from
what? You are the centre of the universe.

5. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

6. Much Music's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a
dollar.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

1. Racism is socially acceptable.

2. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.

3. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will
move out next.

4. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.

5. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo *#!%".


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

1. One way or another, the government gets 98 per cent of your income.

2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.

3. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours.

4. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists
to Boston.

5. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.

6. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

7. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen.

8. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.

2. You are the "only" reason Anne Murray makes money.

3. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get
drunk and wear a kilt.

4. The economy is based on lobster and fiddle music.

5. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered
Canada's most beautiful city.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got
the big, new bridge.

2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.

3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea".

4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from.

5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows.

6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then
promptly leave.

7. You can drive across the province in two minutes.

8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates.

9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for
that matter.

10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at
night.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.

2. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them
kiss dead cod.

3. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products.

4. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.

5. You and only you understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics.

6. The workday is about two hours long.

7. You are credited with many great inventions, like the
solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines.

8. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding.

[attachmentid=20953]


Mommie, I'm bor-r-r-ed!

Can I go outside to ride my bike??

This is so boring. But Rove tells me I gotta look like I'm involved.
I wanna go to Crawford.

meno meno Lilli es Spanky . Tetszettek

http://www.schwarzeneggerstreet.com/

This morning,

from a cave somewhere in Pakistan,

Taliban Minister of Migration,

Mohammed Omar,

warned Canada that,

if military action against Iraq continues,

Taliban authorities will halt Canada's supply

of convenience store managers.



If this action doesn't yield sufficient results,

cab drivers will be next.

Theory of Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Toronto chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which
is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas s when it expands and heats when its compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.
With Birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."

This student received the only "A".

Nominated UK Best Short Joke of 2004







I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off".



They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."



Then I thought...fuck, I could win this...