for chuckles

THESE ONES I LOVE


Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about
the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women.
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Tim Allen had this to say about Martha Stewart:

"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson & Kobe Bryant
are walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one
woman in America willing to cook and clean and work in the yard and haul
her ass to jail."

Boszi :

"It's been my experience that women with leftist beliefs are much better in bed then those from the far right of the political spectrum. The best lays I've ever had have always been women with left wing or libertarian political beliefs. They're much less inhibited then the right wing women I have been with.


Rightwing women tend to be more fond of tradtional sex, afraid to experiment, afraid often of their own bodies ( unless they are really gorgeous, or "sculpted'), generally uncomfortable taking initiatvie, cuz they have the inborn feeling that they are truly inferior to men and that you're the boss...

Also- it must be said- Leftie women are just smarter, therefore funnier and more entertaining (stupid people can not be funny, it takes brains), also more apt to think of fun dates, or outrageous positions during sex itself, or take the iniative because they feel equal to the guy ..."

:meghajolo

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol
was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival
knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy
hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with
her bare hands.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 90?"
He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco
or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no", I replied. "I've never done
either.
"Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye
steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing /
ballooning /motorcycling / rock climbing?"
"No I don't", I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to
be 90?"

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a Drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at
her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you
know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Surf City, Here She Comes
As Seniors Log On, New Tech Opens Some Quality-of-Life Doors

By Annys Shin
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, January 30, 2005; Page F01

Sometimes the residents of the Kensington Park Retirement Community in Kensington don't know quite what to make of Carolyn Layton.

At lunch one recent afternoon, Layton, 74, pulled up in her motorized chair to her usual table in the dining room. Josette, her regular lunch companion, was already there, picking the toppings off her pizza.


"You should sell the rest of it on eBay," Layton joked.
:rohog :rohog :rohog
"What's that?" Josette asked.

"It's an auction," Layton explained.

"Oh."


http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/artic...-2005Jan29.html

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?




All done?

válaszok holnak




ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years

2)Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.

RECORD HIGH JUMP

A new world's record in the high jump was set yesterday at a beach in the south of France. The picture below was taken just a few seconds before the jump took place!

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

>40-ish.............................................49
>Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
>Athletic......................................No tits
>Average looking..................................Ugly
>Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
>Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
>Emotionally Secure......................On medication
>Feminist..........................................Fat
>Free spirit....................................Junkie
>Friendship first..........................Former slut
>Fun..........................................Annoying
>New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places
>Old-fashioned...............................No B.J.'s
>Open minded.................................Desperate
>Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
>Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
>Professional....................................Bitch
>Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
>Large frame................................Hugely Fat
>Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
>
>
>
>WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
>
>1. Yes = No
>2. No = Yes
>3. Maybe = No
>4. We need = I want..
>5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
>6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
>7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
>8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
>9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
>10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
>about?
>
>MEN'S ENGLISH:
>
>
>1. I am hungry = I am hungry
>2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
>3. I am tired = I am tired
>4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage
>5. I love you = Let's have sex now
>6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
>7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
>8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
>9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
>10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
>11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So SATAN walked up to the old man and said. "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" SATAN asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." Said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked SATAN.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?"

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked SATAN

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, SATAN asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So SATAN walked up to the old man and said. "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" SATAN asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." Said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked SATAN.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?"

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked SATAN

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, SATAN asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Complaining Husband



He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.



I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.



I pondered for an answer

As I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do.

Subject: Ventriloquist
>
> A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs; and one night he's doing a
show
> in a small town in Texas, With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
> through his usual dumb blonde jokes. A blonde woman in the 4th row stands
on
> her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
> jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way?
> What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human
> being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
> work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a
person.
> Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not
> only blondes, but women in general .... and all in the name of humor." The
> embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: "You
> stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit sitting on your
> knee."
>

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. ..

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.



Employer's response:......


Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check. You can start ASAP